Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Randomize
