I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
