Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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