between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
