ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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