She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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