Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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