he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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