allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
