too bad you live with your parents still
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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