Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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