I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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