i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
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