Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
