I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
