Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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