and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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