there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
