I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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