I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
