the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
