where am i from again
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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