I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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