genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
