No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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