maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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