If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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