I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
