im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
