I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
