I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize