I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
