direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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