guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Randomize
