woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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