So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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