You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
