I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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