We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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