I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
