I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
