Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Randomize
