lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize