i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
