Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
