barbara walters just said penis...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
