I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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