someone threw a dead crab at me
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
