i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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