Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There was a lot of him and a little penis
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
