Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
