I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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