I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
