Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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