Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We left an ass print on the piano.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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