Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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