I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
