He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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