Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
