it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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