I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
