I'm pants shitting drunk right now
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
True strength comes from lack of pants
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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