Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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